Down

I hate being depressed. My house is a mess and I don't care. I am a mess and I don't care. I long for the days when I did care, but thinking about those days only makes me tired. It was so much work keeping up with myself. I want my house clean and pretty again. I don't want anyone to see it this way. I hate the thought of being judged poorly. I want to lose weight. I want to feel happy. I think I understand my mom now. The older I get, the more I understand her. It is hard to want everything to be one way and then only to sit back and see that it isn't. I must find a way to turn this around.

WOW Long Time

I'd like to say I can't believe how long it's been since I was here last, but I can believe it. I get too busy with so many things that many things get lost by the wayside. Well here it is just 1 week before Christmas and I still don't have my tree up yet. It's kind of a bummer. The kids are saying don't bother cause it will be so much work to clean the space and then put it up and then clean up after. AND I still have the kitchen to clean. Yesterday I asked the kids to do 2 things... only 2 things... change out the wastebasket in the bathroom and change out the cat litter box. It's not like I asked them to clean the whole bathroom or do all the dishes... or even to take the trash out... which I did tell thiem it was trash night so it had to go out. They don't take hints. Why do I still have to tell them directly to do something only to have them tell me they are grown and don't tell them to do anything? By now they can see what needs to be done. So why don't they? Going on stirke has only gotten me living in squalor... AND I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! Only now... it is so bad that I don't know where to begin... or where to put anything that isn't trash.