Heart Ache

My heart hurts. It is broken and tape back together. It has been put back together too many times to count. Why does it have to be like this? I don't want to fight with Joe. So why do I? Why do I say and do those things that make him mad?

Today... he said he was going to take a nap. He says he told me for only about an hour and THE DOOR WOULD BE LOCKED! I did not hear him say he was locking the door. I didn't think I would need to get in the room. But I did. I found the door locked. He locked me out of MY room. He doesn't get it. He locked me out. Why can't he understand why it bothers me so much?

Or does it? Yes, it does. Why? Does it bother me to not have the damn key? Or does it bother me that he doesn't trust me? But why should he? No, he should trust me. Just as I need to trust him. Without trust there is nothing. We are BOTH guilty of betrayal. We BOTH did things to each other to make the other one not trust. But we are still together. We weathered the storms... each and every one of them.

But why do I get SO mad? Why do I lose control? If I didn't care, then I wouldn't. If I didn't love him, then it wouldn't bother me so much. Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why do I have to be so neurotic? Why do I have to be so paranoid?

Every time I get confident I get slapped back to reality. When that happens I get scared. After that comes the paranoia. I start thinking crazy things. I over-analyze. My mind goes into "what IF"

The one good thing... that we do have... is that we are learning to communicate. He is trying to be softer, like me, to understand me and I am trying to be harder, to understand him. I guess it's our way of loving each other. What I don't understand is why we can't make US work as a couple. I know he would still go after other women.

Like tonight, I was surprised to hear that Tracy went to a concert at the casino WITHOUT him. Just like with the other one... he would get mad at me if I went out without him. He did not trust me. He always thought I was up to something. And I wasn't. I was paranoid right from the beginning with him. He moved in with me yet he kept hunting others. He said it was the hunt that made him feel alive. For me it was the kill... the catch.

We are not so different. We are just both stubborn and want things the way we want them. I just have to sit back and do nothing... wait for her to piss him off to the point where they part ways. But do I want to wait for him? And what message would that send? That he can come and go as he pleases and stomp on my heart anytime? Or will I call it hope? Hope that he comes back to me... not because he has no one else at the moment... but because he wants to be with me.

What is so wrong with me that I seem to return to childhood when stuff like this happens? I get angry and then I cry... and then I feel like a defenseless little girl. I want so much to believe that he won't leave me like the others did.

Sunday June 27

See what happens when I turn on the computer? I get lost on the internet! LOL Still need to finish getting dressed (face)!

So... I have found Barb Worroll and Paulie Clark and the other day I found Karen Radecki. Last night I happened upon Allison Sheahan. Boy, would I love to get together with Walter! He was my first love all the way back to nursery school.

I remember going with Mom to find one for me. Went to went to a few and when I saw Walter at the last one, I told her this was the school I wanted to go to. He was sitting at a table playing with a wooden airplane. He was so handsome.

He must have thought I was some kind of a kook that day I followed him home from school in kindergarten. We were walking home and he found a book of matches in the gutter. he picked it up and was trying to light them. I begged him to give them to me so he would not get hurt. Did't think of MY safety for a minute! He refused and I cried. I was so worried that he would get hurt. Don't suppose it had anything to do with that day that he, Marlene, and Susie were playing with matches behind Nolan's house and I told on them?

I cannot believe it has been a whole year and a half since I have written in my diary. Certainly there were things I could have and should have written about. Spending way too much time on "crops", silly games. All they do is eat up time. When not wasting time, it seems there are holes for the drama to slip in and reek havoc. So not good. I must make the offort to write more and more often. I am losing weight... slowly but surely. So far the exercise is still pretty much non existent, but I am working on it. I am trying to get up earlier and to get into the housework earlier in the day. Some days I make it and others I don't. Like today. It is already almost 3:00 and I still am sitting here. So I better get doing something.