Down

I hate being depressed. My house is a mess and I don't care. I am a mess and I don't care. I long for the days when I did care, but thinking about those days only makes me tired. It was so much work keeping up with myself. I want my house clean and pretty again. I don't want anyone to see it this way. I hate the thought of being judged poorly. I want to lose weight. I want to feel happy. I think I understand my mom now. The older I get, the more I understand her. It is hard to want everything to be one way and then only to sit back and see that it isn't. I must find a way to turn this around.

WOW Long Time

I'd like to say I can't believe how long it's been since I was here last, but I can believe it. I get too busy with so many things that many things get lost by the wayside. Well here it is just 1 week before Christmas and I still don't have my tree up yet. It's kind of a bummer. The kids are saying don't bother cause it will be so much work to clean the space and then put it up and then clean up after. AND I still have the kitchen to clean. Yesterday I asked the kids to do 2 things... only 2 things... change out the wastebasket in the bathroom and change out the cat litter box. It's not like I asked them to clean the whole bathroom or do all the dishes... or even to take the trash out... which I did tell thiem it was trash night so it had to go out. They don't take hints. Why do I still have to tell them directly to do something only to have them tell me they are grown and don't tell them to do anything? By now they can see what needs to be done. So why don't they? Going on stirke has only gotten me living in squalor... AND I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! Only now... it is so bad that I don't know where to begin... or where to put anything that isn't trash.

Long Time

I have often wanted to keep a diary... often have throughout my life. Used to say, "I'm gonna write a book." Started... and then did not continue for4 whatever reason... as if it became a chore. Sometimes I think that these thoughts are never to be read. But then why write them down? So true. And so many people do it. Perhaps to preserve the moment for no particular reason. I've heard journaling is good for the soul. It gets the thoughts out and you don't have to clutter your head with them anymore. That's a good thing! At least I can clean out my head. It would be nice to have more free space in there to run around in.

Every Day

Diaries are supposed to be written in every day. Well, they don't HAVE to be, but it's nice to end the day jotting notes on things that happened during the day. So much is forgotten, as well it probably should be. But if it's written down... then it's always there to look back on and not clutter up your 'personal hard drive'... PHD. LOL

So what DID happen this week that I want to remember?

The car broke. Josh fixed it. Joe helped. Well Joe did the work and Josh found a way to pay for it, for now.

I got up to lvl 46 in 'the game'... Last Chaos... very addicting... and usually how I end my day... killing things! LOL

Been off the Zoloft now for almost 2 weeks. My head hurts so bad... like being in a vice. And the tears are coming easier again. Maybe I was meant to be this sensitive... always have been. Does that mean I was depressed at age 3? Who knew?

OH... big one! Josh went to DMV... took the written and vision parts of his test... PASSED! He goes back September 23... just in time to not have to go to driving school... for the driving part. So proud of him.

After that we... Josh, Nicole, and me... went to Milford to visit for a few hours. I took pictures of the gardens. Was nice to see Mom and Bunny, Lizbet and Matthew... even though Mom is Mom and still says those things that hurt... "You're so dark"... "you and Katharine would be so much happier if you had a breast reduction"... "what are you going to do with a boat? Oh you're not!" I want to know WHY does she do that?

Today is Jillian's birthday. She would be 20. Must go leave her a message on her MySpace and on FindAGrave. We miss her.

When It Rains

Well... that's how the cookie crumbles!

Went out to the car this afternoon... doctor appointment for Josh to check his ear... turned the key... Josh heard a 'skwoosh' sound... got out to look... huge puddle of oil under the car. Now what? Joe called his brother... said it sounds like thrown rod. How could that be? It had oil in it. Must be something else. Couldn't it be something simple like a busted hose?

And Joe found out that his mail is not coming to the house anymore. Well it shouldn't be! HE DOES NOT LIVE HERE! So why do I have to be the one to get his mail for him? I don't! Can't he go out and make a new friend that he can use? He won't be able to fix things for me when I get caught out. Not fair. I just want life to be easy... simple... the way it used to be.

Joe

Yesterday Joe finally was able to call. He wanted me to pick him up in Norwich and bring him to the house so he could pack his things himself. He talked of moving up to Plainfield to live in his camper while he gets it fixed. He talked of moving out to Indiana to get a new start. He talked of us getting married because he wants to spend his life with me. I do NOT want to marry him... or anyone else for that matter.

I want to spend my current time alone and with my children. I want to get my stuff reduced to an acceptable and manageable amount. There is no need to hang on to stuff that will never be needed again. Sonnet and Joshua have outgrown their toys. All that money spent for that stuff to sit in storage so long. Lesson learned, hopefully.

Phones

The phone rings. Why? I hate phones! Phones are a bother. If they only brought joyful news it would be ok. But people just want to talk your ear off. They are lonely. Would be so much easier if you were sitting there with them, talking, sipping coffee or tea, WITH them.

Phones are hard in the summer. They stick to your ear with sweat. They cramp up your neck from having to hold the phone with your head to have two hands free.

My kids like to call me. That is a good thing. Sometimes I don't know what to say to them. Sometimes they just say 'hello', and expect me to talk... about anything! My mother calls me. She can talk for hours, about all kinds of things.

I don't get anything done when I am on the phone. Used to be, when I had a corded phone, that I got all kinds of things done while listening. I used to do dishes, vacuum, even put laundry in. Now that I have a cordless phone, I tend to sit to listen. I wonder why that is.